A Pastor’s Disappointment: When Grace Is Hard to Find in Youth Ministry

My oldest son has had a tough year. In the spring, his go-kart was stolen. He had to face some legal troubles that he found himself in. But the biggest hurt did not come from the law, school, or someone stealing his go-kart—though he loved that thing—it came from a church.

For years, I reflected on church hurt and surviving the ugly side of it. I wrote a book about it and have had several speaking engagements to encourage people who have been hurt by the church. From about 2003 to 2013, it was my mission in life to expose spiritual abuse and the hurt the church can inflict. I even started a Facebook group that at one point grew to thousands of people. I have since laid that to rest and found the drive to move past it all.

Given the opportunity to help people, whether in a church setting or at a music festival as a teacher, I am always happy to teach on surviving church politics and spiritual abuse because I still believe the local church can be a beautiful thing. However, this week ignited something in me when church hurt hit very close to home once again.

As a pastor and a father, nothing pains me more than seeing my son dismissed from a church youth group—especially when that dismissal came after he faced some legal troubles. For about a year, my son was attending another church’s youth group (allow me to clarify, a youth group from a different denomination) but was asked to leave. Understandably, this deeply disturbed me—not only as a parent but also as someone who has served in youth ministry for nearly a decade. My son enjoyed attending Radiant Fellowship's youth group and this other one.

Many months later (actually this week), out of hope and perhaps seeking reconciliation, my son reached out to the youth pastor to ask if he could come back. The response was a breakfast meeting between myself, my son, and the youth pastor. The youth pastor asked my son what had happened. After hearing James’s story, he pressed for specific details. I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy about the approach; it was quite intrusive. Still, my son responded candidly.

After hearing everything, the youth pastor said he wouldn’t give an immediate answer about allowing my son back but said he was going to “go and pray about it.” As a pastor, I believe immensely in the power of prayer. But here’s my question—what is there to pray about? This is youth ministry. We work with teenagers, and yes, teens sometimes face difficult challenges, make mistakes, or even get into trouble. That’s part of ministering to them, not a reason to turn them away. A youth pastor “guru” (I say that in jest) and author, Mike Yaconelli wrote a book about this called, Messy Spirituality. If you haven’t read it and you work in a church, add it to your list of things to read. This book sums up what ministry looks like. 

Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us that grace is a gift freely given—to all of us—and through grace, we are set free. It’s unfathomable to me that in a church setting, especially within youth ministry, grace could be so scarce. If you choose to be a youth pastor, what kind of youth group are you leading if you reject teenagers based on their past mistakes? When I was a youth pastor for nine years, our ministry welcomed many troubled teens. We had 85 teens in a church of 70 on a good weekend. Statistically, they say a healthy youth group is 10% the size of the church. Safe to say, we had many teens who were not from the church. It wasn’t a question or a judgment—we understood ministry was about restoration and hope. We were even one of the first youth groups in our area to create a nursery ministry to support teen mothers who wanted to participate but had no one to care for their children.

I recall one time I put a coffee can on the stairs leading into the church because we launched a college-age ministry. We saw many kids who had aged out of youth group but still wanted a place to belong, though they were hesitant to go headlong into “adult service,” even though they were legally adults. The coffee can was for young adults who would have a smoke once in a while. One of the church members happened to be there one day and said to me, “Pastor Bob, do you smell that? It’s getting into our church.” I simply replied, “Do you know what that smell is?” The man looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Of course, cigarettes!” I said, “No, that’s the smell of ministry.” The one young adult in question did not belong to our church or any church but enjoyed coming to the college-age group.

This recent experience has been a real letdown. I am confident that when youth are dismissed because of their past, true ministry—God’s ministry—is not happening. There is room for caution; I understand a youth pastor might assign a specific leader to keep an eye on those with troubled pasts. But outright dismissal? That is beyond disappointing, and it’s something I cannot support or be part of and I let this youth pastor know my exact thoughts.

Youth ministry should be a place of refuge, of grace, and of second chances—not a place where judgment replaces compassion. Let this be a call for all who minister to youth to remember the heart of Christ, who came for the broken and the lost, not the perfect.